Erin Go Braugh... Less.

Fuzzy Blanket Pictures.

2011-10-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

I love these pictures... the fuzzy blanket pictures. My mom has these pictures with about every single kid, and I love them. She is an amazing photographer, obviously. But there's something about this blanket that just makes for a beautiful picture.

And Rae is obviously a beautiful baby. Yes, I am the most definitely partial Mother, but she is plain gorgeous. Beautiful skin, tons of hair, short and petite, and HUGE dark brown eyes.

But really, her personality is what makes this kid stand out. She's sassy - she most definitely knows what she wants and makes it very well known. She's become a bit shy - We've had a few friends over lately, and the moment Aaron or I are out of sight, she is a mess! (Secretly, I love it.) She's a "rough-house" - she LOVES being "wallered" and bounced and wrestled with. Makes me totally frantic, but I swear she gut laughs! She LOVES her Daddy - While I have to "waller" her, all he has to is giggle, or even look at her. It's sick.

Most of all, she is just darn sweet - She wakes up smiling, she is EASILY brought out of a funk, she's easy going and rarely fussy, and she snuggles up to me close when she's ready for bed. Sweet sweet sweet baby.

And check out these legs. Not even long enough to bend over the bumbo. So so funny.

Bubbles.

2011-09-25T07:44:00.000-07:00

There's lots to say about my little mini... She talks, and talks, and talks, and talks. She wakes up happy. She loves to be "rough-housed". She has not lost an OUNCE of hair. She is snuggly and loving and so so sweet. She loves her Daddy, and listening to him laugh makes her LAUGH. She rolled at three months, and is now an expert. She loves baths, and walks, and toys.

Just an example of one of her many new discoveries - I'm so glad I got a small video of this. The bubbles have already calmed down and she's back to constant babbling and cooing. But the bubbles were quite constant for about a week. Very serious, slobbery, persistent bubble blowing. She is quite hilarious.

And some more...

2011-08-09T06:36:00.000-07:00

She gets her point across... and yes, we thoroughly enjoy baby talk in this house. We're not ashamed of it either!

Stinky blogger.

2011-08-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

So last week I worked for HOURS on a very well written (if I must say so myself) blog... No pics, just writing but I worked really hard on it. Then I tried to upload a video... which proved to be catastrophic. The upload took FOREVER, so I let my computer just sit and do it's thing for a few hours... When I came back, the video was still not uploaded, and formatting was screwed up. So... I tried to copy/paste to a word document... and "POOF", my blog was gone. And it's still gone.

So - this morning just trying the video. I have tons to put up here, because Rae has become SO funny and interactive. She's going to be a talker... as if that surprises anybody!!

Here is one of many... And please ignore the obnoxious dogs in the background.

http://youtu.be/gX7DT_yWQiI

We have rolls!

2011-08-02T11:13:00.000-07:00

Little Rae... literally, very little. Yes, she was over 6 lbs at birth, but I swear I just have a muscle bound daughter, because she was TINY... Her newborn clothes were GINORMOUS, and she barely fit in her seemingly GINORMOUS carseat.

Yes, her arms are in there somewhere...

Our wonderful nurse who bossed me around and taught me how to burp, change clothes (lol), and swaddle. We loved her.

And seriously, her little legs were so skinny! They said she was a bit early, so she didn't have time to get too chubby... but I do believe I have seen some baby pics of her daddy (if I remember correctly he was wearing roller skates) where his legs looked just like this! And her pacifier is bigger than her head.

She grew pretty quickly... doctor said she's gained about an ounce a day, which is wonderful. She's in the 7-8th percentile in height... which also makes me laugh. And she's still so tiny in that big chair! This picture also makes me laugh... the kid did NOT sleep longer than 15 minutes for quite some time, unless she was being held (which was lovely but exhausting) or unless she was in the Boppy. We have 3 boppies, thanks to my Mom and Aunt Kristi. THANK GOD FOR THE BOPPIES.

We had some very brave friends make the trek from Omaha... floods and all. This is their sweet little girl, only two weeks older than Rae. She was a tiny thing too! And notice the highwater jean shorts... they are my absolute fav. Of course, even as I'm writing this (at almost 10 weeks old), she is still wearing them. I have a million cutie 0-3 month SUMMER outfits, and I swear I'll be shoving her in them in October lol.

So before I had Rae I became OBSESSED with the Baby Bargains book (Thank you Grandma Lilly!). The book has all the baby items you'll ever need, and it compares and contrasts where to get them, and which items get the best ratings, etc. Well, our chair got great ratings... it is built to last much longer than other chairs because it is so BIG and it grows along with the child. Except I didn't think about the fact that my husband was born at 5 lbs and I was a little one myself... so we swim in this chair. We sink and sink and sink until we are almost out. Very funny indeed.

We do love this chair... Rae takes after her Daddy and watches TV with us. Very funny. I swear, she is a pretty darn happy baby... She gets hungry and she doesn't like pee in her diaper, but pretty much the rest of the time she is sweet and happy and so so cute. She is smiling and laughing and squawking to herself pretty much most of the day. So fun!

And our most recent pic... Aunt Megan came over yesterday and hung out with baby Rae... fed her and played with her until she zonked. She's still tiny (hoping she's over 10 lbs now), and still very short. She's still wearing most of her newborn clothes, and I STILL love those highwater jeans shorts. BUT... we finally have rolls!

A Month of No Blogging.

2011-06-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

One month (and one day)... My DAUGHTER is one month old! I absolutely cannot believe it. I feel like yesterday I was the VERY pregnant crabby lady who felt like she was never going to reach the finish line... the lady who decided one Thursday that she was probably going to have a baby soon and needed to work out, landscape, clean the house, ETC., so that she was ready if it actually came... and it did! One month ago I have to say I could have never imagined what my life would be like with a real PERSON to take care of... I could not imagine her hair, her nose, her lips, her cry, her personality, or the amount of pure JOY that little Raena Joy could bring to my home.

I told myself I was going to be the total baby blogger. "I'll post every day so we can remember every single moment." Hahaha... And here I am blogging a month later (5 weeks now). What can I say, we've been a little busy. :)

One month ago, this little hairy girl came into the world. She had skinny little legs, a swollen head (we had to use the vaccuum), big black/brown eyes, LONG fingernails, and I swear she was the hairiest baby ever! Raena weighed 6 lbs 8 ounces, and "supposedly" was 19.5 inches long, which we later found out was about an inch off. She was born at 9:03 AM (after only 7 real hours of intense labor, which I will give full explanation to at a later point), and had the sweetest little sad cry I've ever heard. Long story short, she was PERFECT.

Yes, very confused. What the HECK just happened to me!?! And who are you!?!

And my swollen head HURTS, thank you.

And stop poking me! I'm fine... no actually, I'm perfect!

We stayed at NKC hospital for two days, and THANK GOODNESS for that! The nurses were great and taught us a ton (such as putting on Rae's clothes in less than 10 minutes, Mommy was being way too soft and Rae was too wiggly!). We had lots of visitors and actually got some sleep... then we headed home with our little tiny girl - when we left the hospital, she was 6 lbs 2 ounces and a little shorty!

A week later, I am editing this blog... so now it has been not a month, but FIVE weeks! My little one is five weeks old. And since I STINK at blogging, here are some pics to show the huge transformation... She started off so tiny, very swollen, kind of red and blotchy, and looking like a newborn. She had skinny legs and was COVERED in hair.

Now, she's fattening up, her cheeks are getting chubbier and chubbier... she has BEAUTIFUL skin... she smiles and makes some eye contact... She makes the FUNNIEST noises, and she definitely communicates with us regularly... She looks like a beautiful beautiful five week old... and she's still COVERED in hair. :)

Week #1... Ama Kim came and helped SO much... brought another Boppy (our very favorite things), cooked and cleaned, and of course took some awesome pictures!!!

And one of my very favorites... We somehow got this picture at one week old! Already so much personality... we are in so much trouble.

And Week 2... we had tons of visitors! One of the many blessings in our very big and blended family is how much we are LOVED, especially by all our Grandmas. Some of my very favorite memories as a kid are the times I spent with my Grandmas and Great Grandmas (and Grandpas of course). How can you forget a Grandma who sits you on her lap and sings with you and plays harmonica... or a Grandma who makes you sandwiches and cuts of the crust, and banana orange juice just because it's your favorite... or a Great Grandma who whispers in your ear, "I love you very very very very much, and don't you ever forget it". That was my secret ritual with my Grandma Joy... the same Grandma Joy who miss Rae Joy is named after! Week 2... we are LOVED.

Week #3... Happy Father's Day! My husband... the man who SO badly wanted a boy (and who now thinks he's going to be "blessed" with all girls haha)... loves this little girl SO much. I have way too many things to say about this, so it needs its own post... but all I can say is I am so so lucky to be with a man who has such an ability to love... a man who changes diapers without batting an eye... who stays up all night with baby so Mommy can sleep... who happily dresses her in bows and lots of pink (has a little trouble picking out the right size, so she swims in Daddy outfits hehe)... is already so protective of his baby.... and did I mention he stays up all night so Mommy can sleep? Seriously, HAPPY HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

And Week #4... What can I say? She gets more and more beautiful every single day.

And my new favorite...

Holy Third Trimester!

2011-04-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

So after my initial 13 weeks of pure nausea and exhaustion, I have to say I've probably had about the easiest, luckiest pregnancy in the world. As stated in the last post, the past three months have been spent cleaning, organizing, planting, painting, and pretty much doing anything I could have done NOT pregnant. Seriously, I've felt great.

I'm 33.5 weeks prego, which is almost 8.5 MONTHS!!! I can't believe it's been that long since we found out we were the most fertile people on the planet... considering it took about 2.5 weeks to get knocked up. We have had a "bit" of trauma since those 7+ pregnancy tests... but we made it. And seriously, we only have 6 weeks left... It's really hitting home, I am going to be a mom!

Even for someone with little to no complications, I think that the third trimester has to be the most uncomfortable (and exciting) thing EVER. Seriously, I'm not sure my belly can get much bigger without my skin literally ripping.... I can't tell if my back hurts or if my daughter is kicking me THROUGH my ribs... Tying my shoes has become one of the most difficult tasks of my day... My bed is now a mess of very large pillows piled around and even on me, just so I can maybe get "some" sleep... and I've actually had a few contractions (probably not even bad ones), that caused my life to flash before my eyes.

I think this home stretch of "fun" is seriously necessary, because I was beginning to get used to being pregnant... I've been feeling her kick and squirm for a few months, but I honestly have gotten accustomed to being pregnant, and probably forgotten some of the reality of what's ahead. The ultimate outcome of this huge distended belly is not a belly... it's a baby! We are about to meet a little person that is a combination of both of us. It simply amazes me.

And because of all my uncomfort, I am ready... or getting there. Birth shows are now interesting... I'm more obsessed with breast pump tubes and nipple cream than organizing closets or even cutie baby clothes... Our birth and post birth classes are scheduled... prego pics (and not those weird naked ones) are this weekend... and best of all, Mommy is VERY ready for maternity leave! Oh yeah... and did I mention we got a puppy? Well, we got a puppy... and I'm so freaking maternal, I'm surprised I haven't actually tried to burp her. I am READY!

Miss Rae Joy, I absolutely can't wait to meet you!

Love,

Mommy

Waiting. Cleaning. Eating Donuts. And Nesting!!!!

2011-02-08T07:14:00.000-08:00

They tell you about it on the blogs and in the articles... women talk about cleaning out closets, spring cleaning, organizing drawers, etc., and that it's some sort of "need" that pregnant women have as they get closer to the end of their pregnancies.

Well I have it... whatever you call it, the "disease" or "need" or "infatuation" or "obsession"... Whatever it is, I have been in the nesting phase for at LEAST a month.

Now I am not a fan of Spring Cleaning... or frankly, cleaning for that matter. Someday if I get a big fat commission check I will probably need to hire someone to come sanitize and dust my house every other week or so. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE organizing, rearranging, building, painting, and I have done plenty of that!

The basement has been cleaned out (and messed up again dangit). The living room is painted. Several closets have been cleaned. Drawers have been sifted through and junk has been thrown away. Master bedroom is rearranged AND painted (Yes, the pregnant lady has been fairly active and moved a teeny tiny bit of furniture by herself. BUT she did it very slowly and carefully and took plenty of potty and snack breaks. And Rae is just fine. And honestly, physical activity has been a much better stress reliever than Zoloft.).

And I've had the paint for the baby room picked out and ready to go for SEVERAL weeks... we're doing a deep chocolate brown, with maybe a purple wall or two. It's going to be zebra zebra zebra. And adult zebra, not kiddy zebra. I love stuffed animals, but I want her room to be "classy chic" and crisp looking with some baby "stuff"...

For some reason I keep delaying the baby room... It's almost like I feel like if I start on it, I'll never want to do the rest of the 9 million projects I currently feel like I "have" to do before baby arrives (that includes an almost complete kitchen remodel, very cheaply done of course but HGTV beautiful!). And yes, we have been a "bit" stressed in this household lately... not so sure painting the baby room would have been the most fun experience, and I WANT it to be fun.

But I think we are ready. The crib is here. Rae is kicking away. Daddy is bringing home donuts for breakfast every day (It's such a wonderful gesture, but he doesn't seem to remember that he's not the one who suffers from stretch marks, Mommy is), and Mommy is getting more and more excited every single day.

If this pregnancy has taught me anything (and all the events that have transpired along the way), it's that I am not in control and I don't need to be. Rae is going to do her thing and cause me cramps and aches and queeziness... and she'll be here on her own time. Life is going to stress me out and push me to my limit and make me cry out for help, and there's really nothing I can do about it, but get STRONGER... God is going to force me to lean on Him whether I would really like to or not... and everything is going to be okay.

So, as random as this post is... I'm still here. Waiting, surrendering, praying, LAUGHING and smiling, feeling for kicks, drinking coffee (half decaf), eating donuts, cleaning (some), and NESTING NESTING NESTING.

Pics to come!

Rae.

2011-01-26T07:04:00.001-08:00

Raena Joy Clark... My precious sweet little GIRL (Yes, they verified again at the latest ultrasound that she is a girl). I can't wait to meet her and get to know her and watch her grow. I already know she's going to be a wild thing... the 2nd ultrasound we had, she would NOT stay still and they could barely get her measurements taken. I can't believe it's only going to be a few short months, and then she will be here. It's been really hard for me to picture her or even picture myself really being a mom. But I think I'm finally coming around... Claire Francis has been my only child (and a wonderful one) for so long, so I'm excited to bring another little chunk of fun to our family! :)

So... here is what I know about Miss Raena Joy so far:

1) She must be something special, because she put enough hormones in my body at the beginning for the doctor to wonder if I was having twins... and almost made me want to barf up my breakfast for about 10 solid weeks!

2) So far, she loves cheese, orange juice, bananas, sushi (yes, it's cooked), soy sauce, peanut butter, and oranges... at least it's not straight candy right?!? Oh, and leftover pizza, she never complains about that.

3) I think bananas and peanut butter are her favorite... I eat them, and she goes NUTSO in my belly.

4) She consumes everything I put in my body. Never in my life have I been able to basically eat whatever I want, including ENTIRE boxes of macaroni and cheese without immediately putting on 5 lbs. But this little munchkin sucks me dry. Yes, I have been stressed, but she is a hog.

5) She is totally going to love her baby room... No, she didn't tell me that obviously. But she is way more mature than most babies and does not want balloons or bubbles or sheep. She wants deep rich adult colors with some baby "stuff". Haha, or maybe that's what Mommy wants.

6) She is a tough little cookie. I have put her through a lot of crap... even though I try my very best to be a good "pregnant lady", I think she is probably in there saying, "Mom, slow the heck down!" I have drank a little coffee... eaten some Subway sandwiches (both of which my doctor said are fine, thank you)... moved some furniture... shoveled snow (okay, that was a bad idea)... and been totally totally stressed out for most of the past three months. And still she is just in her little cocoon hanging out waiting for bananas and peanut butter. I'm already proud of my girl.

Hopefully I will know more soon! Can't wait to meet you, Rae!

Love,
Proud Momma

Risks.

2011-01-25T19:44:00.000-08:00

Meeting new people... showing vulnerability... falling in love... saying "those" words... getting married... having babies... Seems like these are the things in life I've most looked forward to, and yet feared the most as well. All of these are huge risks, ones that people take because they think, that at the end of the day, the risk is worth it.

I have taken all those risks. I met someone a few years ago who I immediately had a connection with and immediately opened up my heart for. I fell in love quickly and had no trouble telling him. We ran away and got married and then struggled through almost a year of distance... all because we both felt like it was worth it.

And now I'm having a baby. I'm 21 weeks along, over halfway! I'm scared and nervous and so excited... getting pregnant was a huge risk. But it is worth it.

I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few months. The past few have been the hardest I've ever gone through. I thought that this pregnancy would be some sort of magical time... and it is. But the reality is that I'm laying here, 21 months along, alone.... wondering if my husband, who I thought would be by my side, is gone. I don't know if he's coming back. He has nothing to say to me, and seems a million miles away... both physically and emotionally.

Dear God,

Please help me get through whatever is in store. I have prayed for an intervention. I have prayed for my husband to return. And I have prayed for my heart to soften. Now I just pray that whatever happens, you give me the strength and perseverance to handle it. I pray that my child is healthy and is born to a home that is happy and strong and loving. Even if that family is just me. I pray that whatever is going on with Aaron, that he figures it out and decides what to do... about himself, about me, and about us.

I pray that my marriage is not over... but I pray that if it is, I don't ever regret taking the risk.

Some updates...

2010-12-26T19:16:00.000-08:00

It's very clear I am a terrible blogger. I think my problem is that I feel the need to write too much, so when I feel like writing, I know I'll end up writing a lot, and then I'm just too lazy to write. But the problem is that since I never write, I always have too much to catch up on... so the updates are never really that great. Just whatever I'm really happy/sad/mad/excited about at the moment.

Tonight, and I'd say for the past few weeks, I have felt every single one of those emotions. I am happy and very thankful for so many reasons. A year ago, Aaron was in Iraq and I was MISERABLE. And he has been home for almost a whole year. Time flies when you're not counting down the days of a deployment. We got "remarried" in a church with all our friends and family by our sides. It was a "bit" stressful, but everything was beautiful, and we have some great memories of the day. Both families are wonderful. Ayden, Ava, Alec, and Korbyn are all getting so big, and it's SO fun watching them become little people right before our eyes. Aaron's family is great, and Lexy is hilarious like always. Claire Francis is still very funny, and still pretty much 100% focused on food. I started a new job, which I count my lucky stars for every day. We bought a house... two cars... some non-used furniture... lots of paintings and rugs, grass seed and plants, decorations and groceries... and all the normal stuff a normal couple does. I always wondered if I could truly be domesticated. But I haven't looked back. :)

The last few weeks have had some sad AND mad moments, that is for sure. All the items mentioned above are GREAT things... but there are just a lot of happy things to list. And lots of happy can mean lots of stress. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm having a BABY??? I can't believe I actually forgot that part. It's the whole reason for the blog.

Anyways, all this change has really put us to the test... and I hope we pass. Since Aaron and I met (really truly since our 3rd date), we have passionately loved each other... we have been each other's best friends... and we have pushed each other to be better people and to try harder than we could have ever imagined. We still do that.

Tonight there are remnants of happy, sad, and even mad. I am too much of a dweller, so when I sit by myself and dwell, it's really hard telling what I'll come up with. But tonight, even with all the remnants and all the dwelling... I am EXCITED. Tomorrow we have our 2nd Ultrasound, and if we're lucky, we will find out whether little Peanut is a girl or a boy. I can't wait!!!!! I've tried really hard to maintain some calm about this pregnancy, just because it's so dang scary and if something bad happens I really do think my heart will never heal.

But tonight I am excited. Raena Joy or Wessley James... I don't even care who you are or what you look like, or if you're chocolate or vanilla, or if you run fast, or if you can sing, or if you hate Math, or if you throw fits in Target... Mommy is going to love you so much. I can't wait to meet you!!!!!!!

North Carolina

2010-01-26T10:10:00.001-08:00

He is back in North Carolina. Which should be a happy moment. But we're back to very little communication, no direction or idea what's going on... and I just found out they forgot to buy plane tickets for Aaron's group. They FORGOT. OMG.

Sad.

2009-11-09T16:35:00.000-08:00

It's been almost six months since I drove Aaron to Omaha for the beginning of this deployment. I saw him three times after that in North Carolina... and I haven't seen his face or held his hand since August. I am whiny, and angry, and helpless, and so so sad. I know that I am not the first to go through a deployment... and I won't be the last. But that does not mean that it hurts any less...

My mom's blog says to pray... and I keep trying to do that, but I just feel selfish and stupid. And I don't know what to say. And I just keep praying the same thing over and over. And he's still not home.

I have been single, or basically single, my whole life. And yes, I have been lonely. But I didn't know what it was like to be fulfilled... I was so independent and always capable (probably too capable) of taking care of myself. But now I know. And I want him back. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to start anymore projects, just for distraction. I don't want to go out. I don't want ONE MORE PERSON to tell me that it will be over soon. I just want him back.

Please, God, bring him home. Please please please.

Earned Blessings

2009-09-21T19:54:00.001-07:00

I went home this weekend to visit my new baby neice, Korbyn Erin Nichole Liebler. Can you believe I actually have another human being NAMED after me? My brother and his little wifee told me they were going to give Miss Korbyn two middle names, my name and her sister's name. And somehow, in the midst of the past 9 months' activity, I forgot. I hope they didn't notice my stunned expression when they asked me to help decide in which order to put the names. Oops yet again.

This little baby is beautiful. Obviously I am partial due to the fact she shares some of my genes, but in my heart, I would know if she was ugly. And she's just not.

I didn't get teared up at all throughout this process. I think I've been in serious denial that my baby brother had actually produced a baby, or would be a FATHER for that matter. I'm his big sister. Yes, we will have different experiences in our lifetimes, but I'm supposed to pretty much experience everything first. I'm supposed to give guidance and advice, and I'm supposed to tell him what to do and what not to do.

And yet here he is, helping sweet Ali make it through a VERY long labor, cutting an umbilical cord (I don't even know if I spelled that right), measuring tiny ounces of formula, changing diapers, and taking care of his new FAMILY.

Every single bit of this is foreign territory to me. I wasn't there to see or be a part of the birth (I'm stuck in Alabama four days a week for the new job), so I still have no idea the depths of what the female body goes through. I only held Korbyn a few times and spent a pretty minimal amount of time with them overall, and I don't know how or when they sleep. I don't know how much a newborn needs to eat. I don't know what the signs and symptoms are for illness. I don't know what it takes for a body to heal after an event like this. I can barely hand her off to anyone in fear that "someone will drop the baby". I am not the big sister in this situation, but merely a very awed and inspired outsider.

I do know that Miss Korbyn is a blessing. An earned blessing. They didn't pick her up off a clearance aisle at Target. And she cannot be returned. She is going to bring them plenty of poopy diapers, spilled milk, temper tantrums, and sleepless nights. But she will bring tons of joy, laughter, peace, and fulfillment. She is an earned blessing.

My very old parents (Come on, you know you're old :) have brought home THREE beautiful earned blessings. Three under three. The BLT ranch. The crazy house. Call it what you want, but most people tell me that my parents are amazing.... but nuts. And they are. Their house, which was once beautifully decorated with what some call "modern country", is now filled with plastic cars of multiple colors, play houses, a jungle gym, and even a bounce house. They never sleep or spend time alone. They don't get to go on dates or spend much time with friends. They can't even really talk much on the phone, because these children have sensors for phone conversation that cause them to yell louder when someone calls. Most of the time, I think they barely notice each other, because they're just trying to get by. Just surviving the day... hoping for enough sleep... only to do the same thing all over again when they wake up.

But again, this mad house is a blessing to anyone who walks through the door. These kids are hilarious, intelligent, brave, adorable, corky, sweet... but most of all, they are LOVED. They bring joy to their very tired parents, to their grandparents who almost didn't get to have little grandbabies, to aunts and uncles who won't have anymore children, but who love to babysit, to friends who love to watch the effort being made in the church balcony, to strangers who might have never thought twice about adoption but who can now imagine loving any child, and to big sisters who just love them because. They are earned blessings.

My husband is in Iraq. He started his deployment in May, went to training in North Carolina and California, and then headed over to a world that I know nothing about. I don't even know if I support what we are doing over there, mainly because I don't know much about it. And yet, since Aaron left, I see men (I'm not being sexist, just I've seen mainly men, and the one female was rude) in uniform all over the place. I've read books about what it's like to wait for a spouse at war. I just got done bawling over an episode of Army Wives. Ugh, the War on Terror is no longer only on CNN for me. It's everywhere.

I am trying really hard to stay positive. I am fine one day, and then the next, I am irritable, bitter, and sad sad sad. I try to spend time with friends and family, but I feel out of place, like I'm just biding time until I can go home and go to bed. I want to call every person I know and just cry, and then I feel like a huge baby, so I say "I'm fine". I act like I’m busy, but I’m actually only busy checking my phone for emails, texts, or calls from area code 999999999 or 0000123456.

I could complain for days and continue feeling sorry for my sad little self (LOL). But in reality, I am fine. And if my family has taught me anything, it’s that good things come with effort and persistence. Blessings may be a gift from God, but that does not mean He doesn’t expect us to earn our keeps. Aaron and I are blessed that we have a connection like none other, that our values align, that our families are supportive, that our goals don’t clash, and that our stubborn hearts won’t let us give up. It was easy to fall in love with Aaron when he was around. But I think he would agree that it has not been so easy to TRULY get to know each other… to TRULY prove our determination and faithfulness… to TRULY (Mr. Shelley would kill me for putting an adverb between “to” and all these verbs. Sorry, I just like it.) find humor and happiness in rough situations… to plan for future life events, but to claim and embrace the presence as it is…

Lord, thank you thank you thank you for this earned blessing.

Extravaganza

2009-08-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

So I've written multiple times about my "dating extravaganzas". Eventually I will post those, because I still laugh out loud when I read them. But not tonight.

A few years ago, I ended my first REAL relationship, and it HURT badly. It was seriously as if someone died. One minute I was planning my future, white picket fence, chubby cheeked kids, 8-5 job, and who knows, maybe even some fish.

And the next I was packing my poochie Claire Francis in the front seat (along with the 1,000 items I had collected at his house... minus my precious seashells which he will still not give back) and we were on the road. I think I left him a note: "Call me if you want." For some reason, I have a ton of tolerance for people, how to approach them, how to say things politely, how to avoid hurt feelings... and then I just forget my manners. We spoke two times after that Saturday, and then basically never again. He has knocked on the door a few times, trying to forge a friendship of sorts, but honestly and sadly, when it was over, it was just OVER.

After the breakup, I started dating. I dated all sorts, had some fun times, had some TERRIBLE times, went through some DRAMATIC moments, some CATASTROPHES, a few embarassing bloopers, some very bruised egos, and lots of learned lessons.

My dating blog is a tad blunt... often a little too honest, and probably a bit inappropriate. But it was my life... I called it the "dating extravaganza", because to me, that's what it was.

Then I met Aaron. Pretty much since day #4 of knowing him (I would say day #3, but I really tried to avoid him for a week (which is actually 7 days). I liked the guy, but I was TOTALLY not done with my dating extravaganza, and he just made me a little too nervous... which makes me think I actually knew on day #1... so we'll just do a middle ground and call it day 4.), I knew my dating days were over. The extravaganza of "dudes" was no longer going to be a part of my plan. I knew that, for some reason, things were going to be a bit different from now on.

Aaron has changed my life. Like I said before, I have become an expert at pleasing people, making friends (not always good ones), and REALLY TRULY getting to know those around me. But I think that through this process, I have only learned a fraction about myself. I have made jokes, I have had temper tantrums, I have cried, I have fallen down hard, and I have picked myself back up again, over and over. And yet, through all of these very real experiences, I STILL don't think I have ever been all that true to myself.

The truth is that I am the extravaganza. According to my best friend, who we will call the "internet", the word extravaganza means "an elaborate, spectacular entertainment or display". This sounds like a pretty confident way of describing one's self, but in my case, it's just true. Let me explain:

"Elaborate" - In this setting, elaborate is used as an adjective, meaning "intricate or rich in detail, executed with painstaking attention". I will actually replace this word with my own self-created list of synonyms: corky, strange, high-maintenance, obsessive, needy, dramatic, pushy, opinionated, stubborn (jeez, I'm getting way off here.), etc. They aren't all really synonyms of elaborate, but they might as well be.

I am corky. My dog has a middle name, and I talk to her like she's a human. Because I really do think she speaks English. I do.

I am strange. I count all day long. Or type in my head. Or sing songs to words. Some sort of OCD that has never really gone away.

I am high-maintenance. I could care less about gifts, money, jewelry, or the normal things that lots of women want. But I have to be reminded constantly that I am loved. And even when I am, I sometimes ask for more. And not just loved, but liked. And wanted. And sometimes needed.

I am obsessive. I can have the messiest house in the whole world, and I don't care if my socks match. But I floss a minimum of three times a day. And if my skin is even the teeny tiniest bit dry, I will literally dump lotion all over my body because I cannot stand it.

I am needy. I don't ask for much, only that you pay me 110% attention, and think about me all the time, and call me whenever you can, and you know, attend to all my one million needs. LOL.

I am dramatic. I have a terrible temper, and God forbid I get my feelings hurt, you better be prepared to make things better or I can go on forever being angry. This characteristic scares me a lot.

I am pushy. Sometimes I really think I'm right, and even if I'm not, I'm probably going to at LEAST try to make you think I am.

I am opinionated. I was once at a dinner table where the other dinner attendees referred to me as the "dirty liberal". I will never vote conservative again. And by the way, I still put my two cents in at that table... Oops.

I am stubborn. Similar to the description above, when I think I am right, I have a hard time convincing myself to listen to what I'm being told. Even when I know I'm going down the wrong path, I pretty much have to learn the hard way or I'll just keep going and going and going...

"Spectacular entertainment or display" - This phrase is actually really intuitive to how I feel and have felt the majority of my life. Like I said, I am a people pleaser. I have always felt the need to impress, to pass, to fulfill obligations, to win, to succeed, or even just to survive.

I feel like times in my life I did a "spectacular" job with my "display". I've played all the parts: The good student. The friend. The rebel. The nerd. The fun girl looking for a party. The injured girl needing help. The vulnerable girl looking for a hero. The businesswoman. The difficult girl, full of attitude. The flirt. The playmate. The enemy. The independent one, needing nothing and no one.

I could name them off forever, but honestly, you name the part and I will play it.

I am an extravaganza... all by myself. I am sometimes one big mess. But I am who I am.

I started writing this a few weeks ago, and I'm sure I had some sort of funny story to tell with it. But tonight I am sad, and thoughtful about myself and where I am. I have met a man, who I think is wonderful, kind, loving, giving, smart, funny, protective, comforting, etc. etc. etc. He loves my little Claire Francis. He doesn't mind that I'm a bit OCD. He laughs at my mismatched socks and the crazy amount of floss lying around the house. He pays me all SORTS of attention, and shouts his love for me to the world (via Facebook of course, duh). He deals with my temper and assures me that he will still be here when I am done kicking and screaming. He lets me be bossy sometimes, but puts me in my place when I need it. He's just as stubborn as I am, but never enough to let me go.

And he is an extravaganza as well. He is just as complicated, just as needy, just as strange, just as opinionated, just as high-maintenance as I am. He is a people pleaser, never wanting to disappoint anyone. He's fearful of what other people think, just like I am. He makes his own way and his own decisions, whether they are good or bad, just like I do. He has lived and experienced, and probably had a few catastrophes, bloopers, bruised egos, dramatic events, and heartbreaks, just like I have.

And I love him so much. We are going to struggle. And fight. And butt heads. And lose tempers. And get irritated. But at the end of the day, I still never want to date again. I have no other boundaries to break. Or personalities to pick apart. Or dorky "dudes" to make fun of.

I met Aaron, and on day #4 I knew. I am okay.

Oh Yeah... I'm Engaged!

2009-07-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

Uhm... So obviously I've been slacking for a good nine months... No, I did not crawl into a hole and sleep. Yes, I have had PLENTY of funny, akward, sad, happy, life changing, AMAZING things happen to me. And yet I have not written a THING down.

So maybe I'll give it just a tiny bit of effort. We'll just start with a "Top 5" and see where it goes from there:

1) I am getting married. In ONE WEEK. Yes, I said it. The girl that chooses guys who are a-holes, only so that she has NO chance of actually liking them, therefore avoiding any REAL pain. The girl who deletes people from her phone because they have a spout of bad breath. The girl that actually nicknames according to country of origin... not because she thinks it's cute, but because she can't ever seem to remember the current guy's name. LOL. That girl has met her match, and SHE'S GETTING MARRIED! I have plenty plenty plenty to say about this, so I'll let it wait until I'm feeling more creative juices. Let's just say I fell in love on day #4. He has been known to be an a-hole. He sometimes has very stinky breath. And he has the SAME name as me (would totally be a deal breaker in normal circumstances). But he's wonderful. I love love love him. Triple love. The love that makes my heart hurt. I am so happy.

2) My FIANCE is going to Iraq. What the f.

3) My parents adopted ANOTHER child. Friggin crazy stuff, I tell you. They never sleep. They have baby locks on EVERYTHING... locks that I can NEVER figure out. They constantly get puked on. They clean up toys all day long. They suffer kicks and hits and even bites. But their house is full of love and joy. So amazing to be a part of. I visit often these days, partly because my future husband is sweating away in the desert... and partly because I feel like I'm going to blink my eyes, and they'll be all grown up. I love my family.

4) My baby brother is having a baby (Obviously HE will not be the one doing the pushing, but his girlfriend Ali is having a little baby girl in September). I am happy and sad for them all at the same time. They are excited and doing their best. They have a gorgeous house. Ali takes immaculate care of herself and the baby. Sam does EVERYTHING in his power to make her happy and comfortable. But they are so young it just breaks my heart. They are bratty, and I get so mad at them I could cry... and then they do the most sweet, adult, wonderful things, and I'm crying again. I'm really struggling with this one. Wish I wasn't. I just pray pray pray they are okay.

5) Hmmmm... I kind of ran out of things I guess. I'm looking for a job at the moment. Decided I was going to be some lifesaving doctor... then decided that I hated Science classes (which I've actually known since Mr. Jungmeyer's dumb Biology class) and quit. Item #1 on my list has made me rethink my priorities just a tiny bit... and I don't regret it a second. So I'm back on the job market. Boring way to end my list lol.

More to come.

-Erin

NYC - No rabid rats and plenty of nice people.

2008-12-11T17:35:00.000-08:00

I am always blabby, and I just accidentally erased my original New York City blog. Second time around is going to be even blabbier. So get ready. :)

New York City… the city where people never sleep… the city where since people do not sleep, they do not smile… the city where you DO NOT wave or talk to those sleepy people, because they will only glare at you or point out that you are obviously not from New York City… the city where human sized rats go roaming the streets, always ready to bite… remember, when you get bitten by one of those mutant rats, no one is going to help you because they’re obviously too tired and cranky… so anyways, once you do get bitten by a giant rat, you will be escorted to a very scary hospital where not only will you NOT get treated for your rat bite/rabies, but you will soon be injected with bad blood and disease… that is IF you make it to the hospital, because the evil cab driver taking you to the hospital will probably drive you down a dark alley and steal all your belongings and then sell you on the black market…

At least that’s what I’ve always heard.

I went to Brooklyn this week for a hospital conversion… I finished finals Monday afternoon and jumped on a plane, KNOWING that I was going to get glared at, bitten, injected, mugged, and sold. And yet, here I am… AMAZED at this city and humbled by the experience I’ve had.
You see, I am a small town girl from California, MO. Even though I’ve been in Kansas City for over 6 years, I still am most definitely that small town girl… petrified of the big city. For some reason, especially this one.

But I’m not scared anymore… only FULL of respect and awe. This place is WONDERFUL, for six very obvious reasons:

1) First, who came up with the idiotic phrase, “the city who doesn’t sleep”? I mean, who sleeps anyways? No one sleeps. I don’t sleep. I have too much going on… I ingest WAY too much caffeine… and I go to bed thinking about Chemistry (I mean cookies, yeah cookies.). Doesn’t matter where you live. I also stayed out too late several times this week, and I pretty much didn’t see too many people out and about. Does that mean they were sleeping? Hmmm, good thought.

2) I’m going to skip #2 for now, because it’s my climax, and I would ruin my whole happy thought if I explained it now.

3) Those rats must not be out in December because I saw none. Only dogs on leashes, well groomed, smelling much better than Claire Francis, sitting quietly and well behaved. Seriously, people take these dogs everywhere in New York City. I saw dogs in grocery stores, banks, and bars. Strange but awesome. ADDITIONALLY, I always thought those rats would come with lots of trash and smelliness. And yes, I saw trash, lots and lots of trash. But it wasn’t spread out all over the streets. It wasn’t rotting and oozing on the sidewalks. It was piled neatly in specific areas along the streets, waiting for the garbage man. Someone has cleaned that city up. Very cool.

4) Nothing really funny to say about the hospital, except for the fact that I was most definitely not scared of bad blood. The hospital I spent time in was full of old wise doctors, young smart attendees, fresh students, and patients patients patients. This hospital had doctors that saw 50+ patients a day. It was clean and well run. Inspiring really.

5) When I left the airport, I expected to get into another dirty cab. I don’t mind cabs, but they’re definitely not my favorite part of the trip. So when I got the message from Louise, my private driver, I was amazed! Mr. Louise, who forced me to speak Spanish the entire drive, had a beautiful, leather seated, yummy smelling car. And he drove slow. And he didn’t stop and go the whole time. And I didn’t get carsick. And instead of just overcharging me and kicking me to the curb… he scheduled my ride back to the airport (I would pay him later), opened my door, hauled my bags out of the trunk, and kissed me on the cheek. I left with all my belongings, and I did NOT get sold to any black market.

6) So back to #2… The whole nice people thing. I could seriously make a new list for all the nice people I encountered on this trip. People went OUT OF THEIR WAY to help me this week. I have no idea why… definitely did not do anything special to myself… my roots are growing out, my nail polish is totally cracking off… I forgot my pair of dress pants, so my outfit totally does not match today… I didn’t even work that hard. And still people were almost overly nice.

a. The hotel I stayed in put me on a list to get me a better room, JUST because my room was too close to the breakfast room. They not only transferred my room, but hauled all my luggage for me and left me cookies on my bed. (Just kidding about the cookies. I bought them in the vending machine. But it sounded good, and the room change was still nice.)

b. Some random guy on the Subway asked us where we were going… obviously we looked like we had no idea where we were going… I thought he was badgering us and then he gave us the exact route to get there and what we needed to see once we reached our destination. So nice.

c. ALL my taxi drivers were nice. But Louise is still my favorite. :)

d. No one at the hospital yelled at me or told me how bad I suck. Totally not what I’m use to with my lovely job.

e. A bus driver, who was NOT supposed to pick me up… asked me where and when I was going and just let me hop in, even though it was out of his way. Thank you, Mr. for not making me stand in the rain.

f. One taxi driver DID glare at me a little bit… as he drove by while I waited on the curb in the rain. I waved, because I thought he was going to be like every other kind New Yorker… and then he just drove by and left me. And THEN he ran over the curb and popped his tire. New York karma is a real b*tch.

g. MULTIPLE people asked Mr. Schaffter and I if they could take our picture at Rockefeller Center. At least they thought they were being nice… little did they know they were causing the Erin/Bryce Awkward Moment #2,796.

h. I actually saw a guy propose to his girlfriend on the ice skating rink. Obviously that had nothing to do with me. But so sweet.

i. Some guy called me Santa Claus. I don’t know why. I had an orange sweater on, and I actually looked kind of nice. Bryce told me he was calling me Mrs. Claus, and that she was a good looking lady in her prime. Whatever. Maybe he just meant I was merry. Which is nice, I suppose.

j. My FINAL impression of New York City came when I lost my FRIGGIN driver’s license at the airport. Not only did the ticket guy print off a ticket that would get me on the plane WITHOUT my driver’s license (Yes, apparently they can do that. There goes security.), but the police officer I reported the incident too was the nicest guy of all time (YES, there are nice police officers out there! And he didn’t even say anything inappropriate or disgusting!). He comforted me and told me everything was okay. He patiently wrote down all my information. He called lost and found as well as all the officers near the gates. And FINALLY, he WALKED me to the nearby bar, tracked down both the bartender and manager, and VOUGED for my age and identification so that I could get a beer. Pretty much never heard of a police officer TELLING a bartender to serve alcohol to someone… ESPECIALLY someone who does not have a license. LOL (See I told you I LOL all over the place).

k. And lastly, the guy who gave me the ticket earlier hand delivered my driver’s license and I got all flustered, which is why I accidentally erased the original New York City blog. I LOVE THIS CITY.

"What If"

2008-12-11T17:02:00.000-08:00

Wrote this a couple weeks ago... but it's totally blogworthy, ESPECIALLY after reading the last blog. I did know what was coming LOL (my new favorite texting phrase, LOL... I LOL it).

I really have no time to be on stupid MySpace, but all I've been doing for two days is studying the properties and functions of iMRNA.... Yeah, do you know what they are? I still don't, and the test is friggin' tomorrow. I am so over it.
So..... I had a very funny "happening" this weekend... one that I've been expecting but was still suprised... and it's been on my mind, so I figure a few minutes of venting will do a girl some good.
I found out that I am a "What If" girl. I had never used this term until describing my recent situation to a friend... and it's PERFECT.
I got a call from an ex this weekend... yes, a 3:00 a.m. call (We all know what that means), but from a person that I NEVER hear from and have not expected to hear from for over a year. YES, he is on my dating extravaganza list... YES, he really pissed me off when we were dating (for numerous reasons)... YES, he is ENGAGED now and obviously having some sort of cold feet... and YES, I answered the phone.
Now, I'm sure that this big burly man was wasted, and maybe doesn't even remember the entire convo. But as a curious person, I asked him approximately 1 billion questions to figure out why the heck my phone is ringing again all of a sudden.
Basically, after an hour of long awkward silences and a ton of bickering (we did that constantly, which is obviously part of the reason we are no longer together), I basically figured out I am a "What If". He is engaged, and happy or so I thought. She lives far away, but they make it work. He thinks she is nice, funny, smart, going to be a good wife and mom (Oh, and he kept mentioning that he wants to have kids... hopefully this poor girl is ready to be a mommy to some very large children with exceptional teeth)... But he's just "scared". Says he's scared of getting divorced, because that's what everyone does. (My silent observation at that point was that cheating, which is what he was proposing, often leads to just that... DIVORCE. Crazy stuff, I know.)
What was also so funny about this convo was his audacity to LECTURE me about my life... He asked me question after question about who I had dated since him, DETAILS about those people, why I liked them, if I treated them the same, labeling each of them "douche bags" because "obviously" they aren't as cool as he is... Like he couldn't believe I would EVER move on. Well think twice. NO, I am not engaged... NO, I haven't even come close to that... and NO, I still don't have even great taste in men... BUT NO, I am not sitting around waiting for your call. Sorry big guy.
Anyways, nothing happened and I ABSOLUTELY did NOT go over there. But the call was very entertaining. "What if" things were different? "What if" we had worked out? "What if" I were about to be the next Mrs. Shaved Head/Chicklet Teeth/Chokehold/Fart Joke?
Well, it seems that most likely my future husband would be calling some random ex girlfriend to "come hangout" like old times. Man, that would suck.
I am not angry or upset by the call. I'm not going to say anything (or at least name any names), but I hope that I am never in that situation... from either end. I don't want my significant other to someday be calling some old fling and freaking out about her life... and I DON'T want any regrets when I make the decision to spend my life with someone. So for that reason, I will wait. Thank you very much.

2008-10-12T16:24:00.000-07:00

Just a few pics... just so you know I'm a real person. With lots of different hair colors, FYI.

2008-10-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

I had such good intentions with this thing. Seriously, I have so many thoughts, and most of the time I think I'm really funny. So I thought this "blog" thing would help me remember some of my funny life... doesn't work so well when I NEVER write in this thing.

So my latest update is just really a 10 hour beer drinking fiasco. It was Jewell's Homecoming this weekend, and I regretfully signed up for Pubbs for Hubbs, a pub crawl run by the infamous Andrew Fischer and Brian Brane, my roommate's boyfriend.

The day actually went much smoother than expected, considering I can barely be in the same room with Fischer... still makes me mad just thinking about it.

We started at the Pub House... went to The Dish, The Landing, The Corner Bar (seriously the trashiest place I've ever set foot in), and then came back to the Pub. Saw TONS of Jewell people that I haven't spoken to in forever, or frankly just haven't spoken to before, and since I had ingested quite a few beers I had no trouble talking to really anyone.

My favorite part of the day was telling Rex (one of the biggest A-holes I've seriously ever met, and one who treated my dear friend like total crapola) that he was a weirdo. I thought he was going to punch me in the face, but he just kept standing behind Kyli and I staring at her... not saying anything, just staring. Seriously, this guy was "the thing" when I was a freshman at Jewell, and here he was staring at us like he belonged in a halfway house. Guess he was just wasted, but it was SO fun telling him where to stick it.

I guess the three burritos I ate at midnight were also very memorable. Think I've gained about 7 pounds since yesterday. Great job, Erin. And today I'm sick as a dog (just have a bad cold), and I've now watched Maid of Honor TWICE. Those silly wedding movies really get me, don't they?!?!

Harry Murphy is engaged. The guy who told me I wasn't a tiny girl, but that I have no cellulite in my legs... the guy who asked me to stay up until 2:00 in the AM and then never called... the guy who told me I'm too smart for my own good... and continues to make completely inappropriate comments... IS ENGAGED. It's fine.

Family Fun. And a Boda Mexicana.

2008-08-30T20:59:00.001-07:00

Today was good. I went to the most hilarious wedding EVER with my family. My brother was asked to be the best man YESTERDAY for his best friend Fernando's wedding TODAY. HILARIOUS. So we put my 6'5 brother in his best Sunday looking outfit and sent him to the Catholic church. We rushed around, knowing we were going to be late... only to find out that we were one of the first people there. Did I mention Fernando is Mexican? I traveled to Mexico for months at a time, and even I had forgotten the cultural difference regarding TIME. When you have an event in Mexico at 1:00, it is only polite to come at approximately 1:15... which is what everyone else did.

The ceremony lasted a good two hours... it happened to be a baptism too, so I'm guessing it was extra long. The dresses were beautiful, and there were TONS of gorgeous babies to look at. Plus the groom is just the most adorable little guy ever, and watching him kneel next to his young little beautiful bride brought tears to my eyes. There's something about Mexican families that just warms my heart. Two high school kids, getting married on the same day they baptize their new baby. Aunts, cousins, parents, grandparents, neighbors are all there watching. All in their fancy clothes (I think a lot of the women were in what resembled very colorful prom dresses... totally not my style, but BEAUTIFUL). Cameras were everywhere, and in fact, my mother took a picture of a scene where more people were surrounding the ceremony with cameras and videos cameras than there were people actually IN the ceremony. Kids talked the whole time. People got up and walked around. Babies cried. We kneeled. We sang. We prayed. It was loud and long. But for some reason, I was just really touched by this day.

Oh yeah, my mom and I did, of course make slight fools of ourselves. Apparently at Catholic weddings (maybe Mexican Catholic weddings) they pass around an offering plate... My stepdad had taken Ava out a long time before because we thought she would be a distraction (What a joke, she would have been the quietest child in there), and he was the one with all the cold hard CASH. We were obviously in a panic, and all I had in my purse was deoderant, a hotel room key, some receipts, and a William Jewell medallion (don't ask). I somehow managed to scrounge up 35 cents, so at least we looked like we were putting something in the bucket. BUT... when it came to us, we noticed that someone else had put their wedding card in instead of cash. BRILLIANT!!!! We figured it was a gift to the bride and groom anyways, so we quickly dropped our card in the plate.

Then my brother said it was an offering to the church and we were complete idiots. He had to get one of the little ring bearers to go ask the kind lady for our card back.

Did I mention that my mother and I tend to laugh really loudly in awkward situations or when we are nervous or embarrassed? Well... we do. I almost peed my pants.

And tonight we had a get together with my family. As crazy as they are, and as loud and long the night was... it was SO nice to see everyone. This is exactly what I needed. TO COME HOME.

And in case you're wondering, I'm doing much better than I was the other night. That dumb movie just really put me in a funk!

Night,
Erin

27 Dresses

2008-08-28T19:00:00.001-07:00

I guess "they" deleted my previous blog. I guess I forgot about the previous blog. I guess I thought I didn't need to write. But I do.

I write when I have "aha" moments... or when I am sad... or when I am thankful... or when I am just FULL of thoughts.

Tonight I am a little bit of all those things... Just to sum it up, since I'm new to this, and we have a whole lot of catching up to do... Here is a list of what is going on in my life:

1.) I have decided to change my life plan. Communication/Spanish Major, Non-profit leadership Minor... goes to work for a healthcare software company for ONE year. Then decides to go to Medical School. And off I go, sitting in 7:00 a.m. class next to a bunch of sweaty, chubby faced, beer breath 18 year old boys... But I'm loving it. If I could only get some sleep.

2.) I am about ready to watch my family MULTIPLY, as my parents are adopting two (I would say something else, but I can't because it's still a secret) beautiful babies... "A" and "A" as my mom calls them on her blog, are seriously the best things EVER.

3.) Nope, not getting married anytime soon. Thought I would seriously be married with a kid popped out by now... living in a suburb somewhere with a white picket fence. Claire Francis (my lovely little border collie pit bull) would maybe even have a playmate. But that is not where I am. And if you have ever read my dating memoir, you'll know that things haven't really gotten any better since. I've been a dataholic... dated jerks, pigs, crazies, sweethearts, smelly ones, cute ones, hairy ones, bald ones, old ones, married ones (I didn't know he was married thank you very much... WHAT AN ASS), immature ones, self-centered ones, ones with Daddy complexes, ones with MOMMY complexes, jealous ones, seriously intelligent ones, emotionally unavailable ones, ones who I thought I could LOVE. But obviously I didn't. Here I am.

4.) I have a roommate now who I love. There is a reason she is living with me. We both have a really rough year ahead, so it's a GOD thing that she is here to get me through it and I am here to help her survive.

5.) I'm watching 27 Dresses... for the second time tonight. Not the movie that I should have watched, considering I'm in a really foul mood.... and I actually had to delete the remaining statements. Wow, I'm crabby!

6.) I did a triathlon this summer. Almost died, but I LOVED it. Then I signed up for another one... and I skipped it.

7.) I really just want to go live in Haiti in a grass hut and take care of people. Or go work in the Kansas City Free Health Clinic. Or maybe save the world or something. I really just need to pass my pre-med classes... and get rid of my superficial selfishness.

8.) I go from literally working out two hours a day and eating well... feeling great... to chowing on Taco Bell, popsicles, pudding, noodles, peanut butter, and basically whatever I can get my hands on. I think I'm really struggling right now. With self confidence, body image, you know the normal stuff. Just struggling.

9.) I've been in 5 weddings now... brought a date to one of them (the man I thought I would have children with), and all that did was solidify the fact that HE WAS NOT THE ONE. Since then, I've just taken advantage of the open bars and/or skeeted out as early as possible.

10.) Did I tell you I shouldn't have watched this stupid movie? What a Debbie Downer.