Waiting. Cleaning. Eating Donuts. And Nesting!!!!

They tell you about it on the blogs and in the articles... women talk about cleaning out closets, spring cleaning, organizing drawers, etc., and that it's some sort of "need" that pregnant women have as they get closer to the end of their pregnancies.

Well I have it... whatever you call it, the "disease" or "need" or "infatuation" or "obsession"... Whatever it is, I have been in the nesting phase for at LEAST a month.

Now I am not a fan of Spring Cleaning... or frankly, cleaning for that matter. Someday if I get a big fat commission check I will probably need to hire someone to come sanitize and dust my house every other week or so. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE organizing, rearranging, building, painting, and I have done plenty of that!

The basement has been cleaned out (and messed up again dangit). The living room is painted. Several closets have been cleaned. Drawers have been sifted through and junk has been thrown away. Master bedroom is rearranged AND painted (Yes, the pregnant lady has been fairly active and moved a teeny tiny bit of furniture by herself. BUT she did it very slowly and carefully and took plenty of potty and snack breaks. And Rae is just fine. And honestly, physical activity has been a much better stress reliever than Zoloft.).

And I've had the paint for the baby room picked out and ready to go for SEVERAL weeks... we're doing a deep chocolate brown, with maybe a purple wall or two. It's going to be zebra zebra zebra. And adult zebra, not kiddy zebra. I love stuffed animals, but I want her room to be "classy chic" and crisp looking with some baby "stuff"...

For some reason I keep delaying the baby room... It's almost like I feel like if I start on it, I'll never want to do the rest of the 9 million projects I currently feel like I "have" to do before baby arrives (that includes an almost complete kitchen remodel, very cheaply done of course but HGTV beautiful!). And yes, we have been a "bit" stressed in this household lately... not so sure painting the baby room would have been the most fun experience, and I WANT it to be fun.

But I think we are ready. The crib is here. Rae is kicking away. Daddy is bringing home donuts for breakfast every day (It's such a wonderful gesture, but he doesn't seem to remember that he's not the one who suffers from stretch marks, Mommy is), and Mommy is getting more and more excited every single day.

If this pregnancy has taught me anything (and all the events that have transpired along the way), it's that I am not in control and I don't need to be. Rae is going to do her thing and cause me cramps and aches and queeziness... and she'll be here on her own time. Life is going to stress me out and push me to my limit and make me cry out for help, and there's really nothing I can do about it, but get STRONGER... God is going to force me to lean on Him whether I would really like to or not... and everything is going to be okay.

So, as random as this post is... I'm still here. Waiting, surrendering, praying, LAUGHING and smiling, feeling for kicks, drinking coffee (half decaf), eating donuts, cleaning (some), and NESTING NESTING NESTING.

Pics to come!

Rae.

Raena Joy Clark... My precious sweet little GIRL (Yes, they verified again at the latest ultrasound that she is a girl). I can't wait to meet her and get to know her and watch her grow. I already know she's going to be a wild thing... the 2nd ultrasound we had, she would NOT stay still and they could barely get her measurements taken. I can't believe it's only going to be a few short months, and then she will be here. It's been really hard for me to picture her or even picture myself really being a mom. But I think I'm finally coming around... Claire Francis has been my only child (and a wonderful one) for so long, so I'm excited to bring another little chunk of fun to our family! :)


So... here is what I know about Miss Raena Joy so far:


1) She must be something special, because she put enough hormones in my body at the beginning for the doctor to wonder if I was having twins... and almost made me want to barf up my breakfast for about 10 solid weeks!


2) So far, she loves cheese, orange juice, bananas, sushi (yes, it's cooked), soy sauce, peanut butter, and oranges... at least it's not straight candy right?!? Oh, and leftover pizza, she never complains about that.


3) I think bananas and peanut butter are her favorite... I eat them, and she goes NUTSO in my belly.


4) She consumes everything I put in my body. Never in my life have I been able to basically eat whatever I want, including ENTIRE boxes of macaroni and cheese without immediately putting on 5 lbs. But this little munchkin sucks me dry. Yes, I have been stressed, but she is a hog.


5) She is totally going to love her baby room... No, she didn't tell me that obviously. But she is way more mature than most babies and does not want balloons or bubbles or sheep. She wants deep rich adult colors with some baby "stuff". Haha, or maybe that's what Mommy wants.


6) She is a tough little cookie. I have put her through a lot of crap... even though I try my very best to be a good "pregnant lady", I think she is probably in there saying, "Mom, slow the heck down!" I have drank a little coffee... eaten some Subway sandwiches (both of which my doctor said are fine, thank you)... moved some furniture... shoveled snow (okay, that was a bad idea)... and been totally totally stressed out for most of the past three months. And still she is just in her little cocoon hanging out waiting for bananas and peanut butter. I'm already proud of my girl.

Hopefully I will know more soon! Can't wait to meet you, Rae!


Love,
Proud Momma

Risks.

Meeting new people... showing vulnerability... falling in love... saying "those" words... getting married... having babies... Seems like these are the things in life I've most looked forward to, and yet feared the most as well. All of these are huge risks, ones that people take because they think, that at the end of the day, the risk is worth it.

I have taken all those risks. I met someone a few years ago who I immediately had a connection with and immediately opened up my heart for. I fell in love quickly and had no trouble telling him. We ran away and got married and then struggled through almost a year of distance... all because we both felt like it was worth it.

And now I'm having a baby. I'm 21 weeks along, over halfway! I'm scared and nervous and so excited... getting pregnant was a huge risk. But it is worth it.

I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few months. The past few have been the hardest I've ever gone through. I thought that this pregnancy would be some sort of magical time... and it is. But the reality is that I'm laying here, 21 months along, alone.... wondering if my husband, who I thought would be by my side, is gone. I don't know if he's coming back. He has nothing to say to me, and seems a million miles away... both physically and emotionally.

Dear God,

Please help me get through whatever is in store. I have prayed for an intervention. I have prayed for my husband to return. And I have prayed for my heart to soften. Now I just pray that whatever happens, you give me the strength and perseverance to handle it. I pray that my child is healthy and is born to a home that is happy and strong and loving. Even if that family is just me. I pray that whatever is going on with Aaron, that he figures it out and decides what to do... about himself, about me, and about us.

I pray that my marriage is not over... but I pray that if it is, I don't ever regret taking the risk.

Some updates...

It's very clear I am a terrible blogger. I think my problem is that I feel the need to write too much, so when I feel like writing, I know I'll end up writing a lot, and then I'm just too lazy to write. But the problem is that since I never write, I always have too much to catch up on... so the updates are never really that great. Just whatever I'm really happy/sad/mad/excited about at the moment.

Tonight, and I'd say for the past few weeks, I have felt every single one of those emotions. I am happy and very thankful for so many reasons. A year ago, Aaron was in Iraq and I was MISERABLE. And he has been home for almost a whole year. Time flies when you're not counting down the days of a deployment. We got "remarried" in a church with all our friends and family by our sides. It was a "bit" stressful, but everything was beautiful, and we have some great memories of the day. Both families are wonderful. Ayden, Ava, Alec, and Korbyn are all getting so big, and it's SO fun watching them become little people right before our eyes. Aaron's family is great, and Lexy is hilarious like always. Claire Francis is still very funny, and still pretty much 100% focused on food. I started a new job, which I count my lucky stars for every day. We bought a house... two cars... some non-used furniture... lots of paintings and rugs, grass seed and plants, decorations and groceries... and all the normal stuff a normal couple does. I always wondered if I could truly be domesticated. But I haven't looked back. :)

The last few weeks have had some sad AND mad moments, that is for sure. All the items mentioned above are GREAT things... but there are just a lot of happy things to list. And lots of happy can mean lots of stress. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm having a BABY??? I can't believe I actually forgot that part. It's the whole reason for the blog.

Anyways, all this change has really put us to the test... and I hope we pass. Since Aaron and I met (really truly since our 3rd date), we have passionately loved each other... we have been each other's best friends... and we have pushed each other to be better people and to try harder than we could have ever imagined. We still do that.

Tonight there are remnants of happy, sad, and even mad. I am too much of a dweller, so when I sit by myself and dwell, it's really hard telling what I'll come up with. But tonight, even with all the remnants and all the dwelling... I am EXCITED. Tomorrow we have our 2nd Ultrasound, and if we're lucky, we will find out whether little Peanut is a girl or a boy. I can't wait!!!!! I've tried really hard to maintain some calm about this pregnancy, just because it's so dang scary and if something bad happens I really do think my heart will never heal.

But tonight I am excited. Raena Joy or Wessley James... I don't even care who you are or what you look like, or if you're chocolate or vanilla, or if you run fast, or if you can sing, or if you hate Math, or if you throw fits in Target... Mommy is going to love you so much. I can't wait to meet you!!!!!!!

North Carolina

He is back in North Carolina. Which should be a happy moment. But we're back to very little communication, no direction or idea what's going on... and I just found out they forgot to buy plane tickets for Aaron's group. They FORGOT. OMG.

Sad.

It's been almost six months since I drove Aaron to Omaha for the beginning of this deployment. I saw him three times after that in North Carolina... and I haven't seen his face or held his hand since August. I am whiny, and angry, and helpless, and so so sad. I know that I am not the first to go through a deployment... and I won't be the last. But that does not mean that it hurts any less...

My mom's blog says to pray... and I keep trying to do that, but I just feel selfish and stupid. And I don't know what to say. And I just keep praying the same thing over and over. And he's still not home.

I have been single, or basically single, my whole life. And yes, I have been lonely. But I didn't know what it was like to be fulfilled... I was so independent and always capable (probably too capable) of taking care of myself. But now I know. And I want him back. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to start anymore projects, just for distraction. I don't want to go out. I don't want ONE MORE PERSON to tell me that it will be over soon. I just want him back.

Please, God, bring him home. Please please please.

Earned Blessings

I went home this weekend to visit my new baby neice, Korbyn Erin Nichole Liebler. Can you believe I actually have another human being NAMED after me? My brother and his little wifee told me they were going to give Miss Korbyn two middle names, my name and her sister's name. And somehow, in the midst of the past 9 months' activity, I forgot. I hope they didn't notice my stunned expression when they asked me to help decide in which order to put the names. Oops yet again.

This little baby is beautiful. Obviously I am partial due to the fact she shares some of my genes, but in my heart, I would know if she was ugly. And she's just not.

I didn't get teared up at all throughout this process. I think I've been in serious denial that my baby brother had actually produced a baby, or would be a FATHER for that matter. I'm his big sister. Yes, we will have different experiences in our lifetimes, but I'm supposed to pretty much experience everything first. I'm supposed to give guidance and advice, and I'm supposed to tell him what to do and what not to do.

And yet here he is, helping sweet Ali make it through a VERY long labor, cutting an umbilical cord (I don't even know if I spelled that right), measuring tiny ounces of formula, changing diapers, and taking care of his new FAMILY.

Every single bit of this is foreign territory to me. I wasn't there to see or be a part of the birth (I'm stuck in Alabama four days a week for the new job), so I still have no idea the depths of what the female body goes through. I only held Korbyn a few times and spent a pretty minimal amount of time with them overall, and I don't know how or when they sleep. I don't know how much a newborn needs to eat. I don't know what the signs and symptoms are for illness. I don't know what it takes for a body to heal after an event like this. I can barely hand her off to anyone in fear that "someone will drop the baby". I am not the big sister in this situation, but merely a very awed and inspired outsider.

I do know that Miss Korbyn is a blessing. An earned blessing. They didn't pick her up off a clearance aisle at Target. And she cannot be returned. She is going to bring them plenty of poopy diapers, spilled milk, temper tantrums, and sleepless nights. But she will bring tons of joy, laughter, peace, and fulfillment. She is an earned blessing.

My very old parents (Come on, you know you're old :) have brought home THREE beautiful earned blessings. Three under three. The BLT ranch. The crazy house. Call it what you want, but most people tell me that my parents are amazing.... but nuts. And they are. Their house, which was once beautifully decorated with what some call "modern country", is now filled with plastic cars of multiple colors, play houses, a jungle gym, and even a bounce house. They never sleep or spend time alone. They don't get to go on dates or spend much time with friends. They can't even really talk much on the phone, because these children have sensors for phone conversation that cause them to yell louder when someone calls. Most of the time, I think they barely notice each other, because they're just trying to get by. Just surviving the day... hoping for enough sleep... only to do the same thing all over again when they wake up.

But again, this mad house is a blessing to anyone who walks through the door. These kids are hilarious, intelligent, brave, adorable, corky, sweet... but most of all, they are LOVED. They bring joy to their very tired parents, to their grandparents who almost didn't get to have little grandbabies, to aunts and uncles who won't have anymore children, but who love to babysit, to friends who love to watch the effort being made in the church balcony, to strangers who might have never thought twice about adoption but who can now imagine loving any child, and to big sisters who just love them because. They are earned blessings.

My husband is in Iraq. He started his deployment in May, went to training in North Carolina and California, and then headed over to a world that I know nothing about. I don't even know if I support what we are doing over there, mainly because I don't know much about it. And yet, since Aaron left, I see men (I'm not being sexist, just I've seen mainly men, and the one female was rude) in uniform all over the place. I've read books about what it's like to wait for a spouse at war. I just got done bawling over an episode of Army Wives. Ugh, the War on Terror is no longer only on CNN for me. It's everywhere.

I am trying really hard to stay positive. I am fine one day, and then the next, I am irritable, bitter, and sad sad sad. I try to spend time with friends and family, but I feel out of place, like I'm just biding time until I can go home and go to bed. I want to call every person I know and just cry, and then I feel like a huge baby, so I say "I'm fine". I act like I’m busy, but I’m actually only busy checking my phone for emails, texts, or calls from area code 999999999 or 0000123456.

I could complain for days and continue feeling sorry for my sad little self (LOL). But in reality, I am fine. And if my family has taught me anything, it’s that good things come with effort and persistence. Blessings may be a gift from God, but that does not mean He doesn’t expect us to earn our keeps. Aaron and I are blessed that we have a connection like none other, that our values align, that our families are supportive, that our goals don’t clash, and that our stubborn hearts won’t let us give up. It was easy to fall in love with Aaron when he was around. But I think he would agree that it has not been so easy to TRULY get to know each other… to TRULY prove our determination and faithfulness… to TRULY (Mr. Shelley would kill me for putting an adverb between “to” and all these verbs. Sorry, I just like it.) find humor and happiness in rough situations… to plan for future life events, but to claim and embrace the presence as it is…

Lord, thank you thank you thank you for this earned blessing.