Rae.

Raena Joy Clark... My precious sweet little GIRL (Yes, they verified again at the latest ultrasound that she is a girl). I can't wait to meet her and get to know her and watch her grow. I already know she's going to be a wild thing... the 2nd ultrasound we had, she would NOT stay still and they could barely get her measurements taken. I can't believe it's only going to be a few short months, and then she will be here. It's been really hard for me to picture her or even picture myself really being a mom. But I think I'm finally coming around... Claire Francis has been my only child (and a wonderful one) for so long, so I'm excited to bring another little chunk of fun to our family! :)


So... here is what I know about Miss Raena Joy so far:


1) She must be something special, because she put enough hormones in my body at the beginning for the doctor to wonder if I was having twins... and almost made me want to barf up my breakfast for about 10 solid weeks!


2) So far, she loves cheese, orange juice, bananas, sushi (yes, it's cooked), soy sauce, peanut butter, and oranges... at least it's not straight candy right?!? Oh, and leftover pizza, she never complains about that.


3) I think bananas and peanut butter are her favorite... I eat them, and she goes NUTSO in my belly.


4) She consumes everything I put in my body. Never in my life have I been able to basically eat whatever I want, including ENTIRE boxes of macaroni and cheese without immediately putting on 5 lbs. But this little munchkin sucks me dry. Yes, I have been stressed, but she is a hog.


5) She is totally going to love her baby room... No, she didn't tell me that obviously. But she is way more mature than most babies and does not want balloons or bubbles or sheep. She wants deep rich adult colors with some baby "stuff". Haha, or maybe that's what Mommy wants.


6) She is a tough little cookie. I have put her through a lot of crap... even though I try my very best to be a good "pregnant lady", I think she is probably in there saying, "Mom, slow the heck down!" I have drank a little coffee... eaten some Subway sandwiches (both of which my doctor said are fine, thank you)... moved some furniture... shoveled snow (okay, that was a bad idea)... and been totally totally stressed out for most of the past three months. And still she is just in her little cocoon hanging out waiting for bananas and peanut butter. I'm already proud of my girl.

Hopefully I will know more soon! Can't wait to meet you, Rae!


Love,
Proud Momma

Risks.

Meeting new people... showing vulnerability... falling in love... saying "those" words... getting married... having babies... Seems like these are the things in life I've most looked forward to, and yet feared the most as well. All of these are huge risks, ones that people take because they think, that at the end of the day, the risk is worth it.

I have taken all those risks. I met someone a few years ago who I immediately had a connection with and immediately opened up my heart for. I fell in love quickly and had no trouble telling him. We ran away and got married and then struggled through almost a year of distance... all because we both felt like it was worth it.

And now I'm having a baby. I'm 21 weeks along, over halfway! I'm scared and nervous and so excited... getting pregnant was a huge risk. But it is worth it.

I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few months. The past few have been the hardest I've ever gone through. I thought that this pregnancy would be some sort of magical time... and it is. But the reality is that I'm laying here, 21 months along, alone.... wondering if my husband, who I thought would be by my side, is gone. I don't know if he's coming back. He has nothing to say to me, and seems a million miles away... both physically and emotionally.

Dear God,

Please help me get through whatever is in store. I have prayed for an intervention. I have prayed for my husband to return. And I have prayed for my heart to soften. Now I just pray that whatever happens, you give me the strength and perseverance to handle it. I pray that my child is healthy and is born to a home that is happy and strong and loving. Even if that family is just me. I pray that whatever is going on with Aaron, that he figures it out and decides what to do... about himself, about me, and about us.

I pray that my marriage is not over... but I pray that if it is, I don't ever regret taking the risk.